Nevertheless, you must give them credit where it is due. They hired the right head coach. Drafted Perennial Good Defensive Player of the Year. Assembled a strong unit around him. And when they lost faith in their franchise quarterback, they showed huge balls to admit their mistake and make a bold move to find the right veteran to replace him.
In other words, they are the champions because they deserve it. And by God, they know how to act accordingly.
To the victors comes the spoils. And whereas that previously meant going to foreign soil, conquering a people, and stripping their land of every last resource you can bring back, from their precious wealth to using their survivors as chattels to using the severed head of their king as a hood ornament. on your tank, today that means something else.
A ring. A screaming and ostentatious horror. A dazzling monument, gilded and bejeweled to miserable excess. The more extravagant and excessive, the better. And in that regard, the Rams triumphed even more than they did against Cincinnati in February.
I mean, look at this bauble. Somewhere across the seas a mountain has been mined to the ground to provide the rare metals and gems for this thing. Complete with a removable top that reveals a SoFi Stadium ladder big enough to store your car keys:
And just to put the size of this one into perspective, here it is on a (super)human hand:
Judging from this perspective, I guess SoFi’s model is around 1:10. You know they’re impressive when you can barely take your eyes off them to see Kelly Stafford. But enough of your toxic male gaze. We hear about jewelry.
The best part of seeing them is realizing that with each passing year, these things have got to get bigger, grander, and weirder. The trend has been going in this direction for 50 years now, and in fact it has accelerated over the past two decades. Vince Lomardi’s Packers probably had theirs drawn with a marker. The Jets likely got the cigar group out of Weeb Ewbank’s win. At the time Al Davis gave them to his Raiders, they might have been the kind you can get at the Chuck E. Cheese prize counter for 500 tickets. Now they cost more than the GDP of at least 30 US states. And by the time we reach Super Bowl 60, we’ll probably have to mine an asteroid that passes for their minerals just to get the raw materials needed. (I like to think that right now Bill Belichick is working on that plan right now. And looking into a space forge like the one Peter Dinklage used to make Stormbreaker in Avengers: Endgame. But hopefully it won’t take him that long to win his ninth.)
But for now, the moment belongs to the Rams. And in every way, they’ve outdone themselves with these fabulous monstrosities. Well deserved, indeed.